Before you start reading, please try your best to refrain from judging me. I understand that after reading this myself, it's a bit weird. However, As bob ross has said "All Artists are weird, so it's okay."
Ever since the sunny queen ii was completed, my artistic life has been hell. In the beginning I just figured the picture I made has bad luck and just ignored the shady feeling. As time passed...I started to have a few nightmares alongside with sunny. Some of them I wish not to share. The worst one being she broke my heart by mocking my efforts, laughed at me, called my artworks pitiful and put me down by laughing at the idea that I could ever be with her. Then I'd have good dreams too. Like the one I shared in the sunny queen ii info. So as you could imagine...This made me have a minor feeling of hatred towards her. In reality I know that my hatred feelings were caused by myself for having a stupid expectation of being noticed once again. However, because I never received any appreciation from her on the 2nd queen portrait, I became extremely depressed and felt my work wasn't good enough for presentation. Not just for Sunny either, but for anyone. This went on for about 2 weeks.
Now looking back on this time period, I realize the idea of being noticed was never important. I guess I just wanted my dreams to be true. I just wanted to be...well "important", by any definition. I love the idea of being a romantic and all, but I know in real life, I'd suck at it. That isn't the point of this journal though so moving on. Usually my motivation for drawing a woman has to have some type of infatuation behind it. Whether it be a dream or a crush. No infatuation, no motivation to create. Which I believe is what's happening at the moment.
You see, I've tried probably 4 attempts since the sunny queen ii to make another drawing of Sunny. So far it just seems like I don't care to go through the hell I'm used to in order to get the picture how I like it. That hell includes hours of reference searching, anatomy fixing in the sketch, and color correcting. I've been feeling that if it isn't right at any stage "Its time to throw this in the trash." I've even felt like not finishing the Latest Kasumi. I figure for now it's best to just work on commissions.
Recently I've really wanted to put Sunny on the grand staircase from the RMS Titanic. I've been making attempts of that as well, but I just couldn't pull it off. So I tried Drawing titanic behind her...then just deleted it cause I hated it. I was really determined as well. So much that I researched the style of fashion back then and found out it was called Edwardian. I just didn't care and I started to feel putting Sunny in 1912 is a bit creepy for me. So I ultimately decided to let the idea go.
I've also noticed something about the model herself. That thing is, something about her face has changed. I've sat down for a few minutes and tried to compare pictures old(2011) vs new(2014-15). No matter what I try to find I can't pinpoint it, but I know something's different. I would like to say it's the nose, but I assume shes just grown into it. It does look a bit smaller and thinner. My only hopes are that she didn't have plastic surgery. She's fine the way she is/was.
I don't care about/to draw Sunny Lin anymore. I think it' s time to accept that the dream of having a museum(by museum I just mean a gallery of 20-30 artworks) of Sunny is dead. Time to find a new muse but I fear change. Just thinking about it now, makes me want to quit drawing altogether.